Intimacy and Forgiveness

I was looking back over my notes from the last class, and wanted to share a few more take-aways with you guys.

The first is that many times in the Bible, when God speaks of 'love', the Hebrew word used is the word for intimacy.  Wounded people struggle with receiving intimacy.  Every one of us would probably say that our child's greatest struggle is the struggle against intimacy with us, the giving and receiving of love without barriers.

There are two main reasons that wounded people struggle with intimacy in relationships.  They all struggle with:

1.  Believing they aren't worthy of love, of intimacy, and
2.  If they allow someone to love them, to be intimately loved, then they are out of control.

I remember, as a small child, laying in my bed at night, listening to my dad and step-mom arguing in their drunken rage, blaming us kids for all their problems.  I would sob myself to sleep at night, soothing myself by saying, "I will never let anyone hurt me when I grow up.  I will never let anyone hurt me when I grow up."  And I proceeded to build a wall of protection around my heart, brick by brick, stone by stone, until it seemed impenetrable.  I became a control-freak, terrified to allow anyone 'control' over me.  And losing control meant allowing someone close, it meant sharing my secrets with that person, it meant allowing them in my heart, not only allowing me in theirs.

Our children have done the same.  We can only get through the walls they've built by chiseling away the stone, bit by bit.  The work takes years, but through creating new experiences, ones without trauma, it can be done.  We have to keep reminding ourselves that the motivation is fear (and the belief that they are not worthy of love).  That fear has resulted in a child who has to be in control.  And when they act out, they are trying to control our behaviors, our responses.

In a twisted way, we give them what they want when we lose it with our kids.  They believe they are unlovable and our angered response reinforces that.  Of course, when we are convicted about that anger, and ask forgiveness, we not only show them a new way, a better way, we also tell them that they are lovable, that they are valuable to us, that they can fail and then make things right.

It's hard, I know, to ask forgiveness of someone who should be asking our forgiveness.  Who should apologize and won't.  When I struggle with this, I am reminded that I spit in God's face, over and over, for years before I asked His forgiveness. When I'm able to humble myself and remember that, it's easier to tell our son I forgive him, even if he refuses to ask for it.  Sometimes, we just need to move on, but we can't let the 'stuff' fester between us. Folks, I grew up in a family that never apologized, just moved on like 'stuff' never happened.  This is toxic!!  The Biblical lesson on forgiveness and repentance is absolutely necessary for our human heart.  We were created to forgive and return.  Our hearts hunger for it.  Our souls need it.

So, if he won't apologize, I tell him I forgive him anyway.  It frees me to move on and begin repairing my heart.  In his mind, once again Momma is in control, Momma is providing him the help he can't ask for.  As hard as it is, even though my taking charge makes him angry, the experience bonds us.

So, let's forgive our kids today.

Goodness knows I have a lot to forgive him for this morning.  He's in rare form.

But, Momma is going to gift him with forgiveness, anyway.  Because I love him, and want him to learn to love. And because holding unforgiveness in my heart only serves to imprison me.  I was imprisoned too long by walls that are now rubble at my feet.  I refuse to allow him or my unforgiving heart cause me to mortar that first stone back down.

Oh, he's still going to make things right, there's no question about that.  Restitution is important for our hearts too.  But, I'm forgiving him and, in the process, teaching him to forgive himself.

And maybe, one day, he will be thankful for love.  Then, hopefully, one day he will believe he is worthy of it.

Love you all.  Praying always.