I hope she forgives me for putting this into my own words, but she basically asked if any of our kids deal with filth/squalor/gross.gross.gross stuff. The thread was really interesting to read. This is a common issue with so many of our children.
I'm not talking about kids being kids. We can all agree that kids can be gross and filthy. They are . . . kids. I'm talking about wanting to live in filth and squalor. All the time. Destroying all that is good. All the time. Receiving a toy they've longed for, then tearing it up. All the time. Wreaking havoc on their rooms. All the time.
And we are talking serious havoc here. So much so that for our son's room, we are pricing inexpensive linoleum squares that look like wood flooring because we have to rip out the carpet. He's destroyed it. I won't go into all the gross details here, but know that three years ago, the carpet was virtually new. Today, it looks like something you would find in a condemned home. And don't think I'm exaggerating. Because I'm not.
I have a theory about why so many of our kids are filthy, why they prefer squalor, why they destroy, why they can be so over.the.top gross.
It's how they feel inside.
And they show us their hearts, and the garbage inside, with their actions.
I feel dirty and shameful because of what happened to me.
I will show you I feel this way by not bathing. Because taking a bath cannot make me clean. I'm too dirty inside.
I am worthless. I have no value. I don't deserve anything good.
I will show you by tearing up the toys you give me. Because I have no value, they have no value either. Good things are wasted on me. I have to prove that to you.
I don't deserve love. Not only that, I don't deserve to have anything nice. I am bad. Bad people don't deserve good.
I will show you by tearing up my nice room. It's the only way I can tear up your love. It's safer to live in filth. That way, when the love goes away, and it will, I will be ready for it. I'm used to filth. It's who I am.
I need control. If I'm not in control, then something bad can happen. If I give you control, you could hurt me/abandon me/leave me.
I will show you by tearing things up, by destroying my room, by not bathing, by doing all the gross stuff I can. That way, I'm in control. I even control your anger with my actions. Because I know if I act this way long enough, you will prove me right. You will leave. You will hurt me. You will stop loving me. Because I am unlovable. I am not worthy of love.
If I can only hold out long enough, I will prove you wrong. I will prove you are no different than ________________ (insert name here).
Our son doesn't destroy everything now. He also doesn't smell as bad . . . most days. Have to cut him some slack. He's 13 now, and in puberty. Thirteen year old boys can reek sometimes.
Because he doesn't
It's going to sound strange, but at first, his area of destruction was as vast as his eyes could see. It was everything. His entire world had to be deconstructed down to his level, down to the way he felt inside. Then, as his heart began to trust, as a bit of fear receded, he began tightening down the area of devastation. The area has gotten smaller and smaller, and these days it's mostly confined to his room. That's why we are going with cheaper tile for now. Anything can be scrubbed off linoleum.
Please don't ask what anything is. You really don't want to know.
But, the point is, that our kids who've been hurt wear their pain on the outside, like a coat of armour. What they feel inside sweats through to the outside, and they wear it around by screaming, hurting, destroying, and covering themselves in filth, like the filth inside.
This is only my theory, but as they heal inside, they reflect it on the outside. At least that has been our experience. Our son looks better, he smells better, his clothes last longer, and he's not tearing up every toy he gets.
Continuing to pray for our children. For the pain inside to be redeemed by the Great Redeemer. For you to be encouraged by each step your child takes toward you and your love.
Praying for the 'outside' to spruce up on each of our kids. Because when the outside starts looking good, the inside is getting much better.
Love you guys. Always.
4 comments:
Amen!
After all the healing S has does she still feels like trash inside. She believe if she doesn't "own" her own things she has no value. She still doesn't get that her worth comes becomes she is God's child, not because she has things. Such hard, hard work. You're doing an awesome job of being God's hands and feet!
Great post. It is so true that you can almost measure the level of healing by the level and range of destruction/filth...thank heaven for wood floors and linoleum. Oh - and air fresheners. And bleach. Let's not forget bleach.
(((Mama Drama))) -- lol
We have a couple gallons of bleach on hand at all times. For some that might seem strange. For us, it's necessity.
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